Ahhh, porn. It’s such a powerful force in our relationships, and it affects women and men in such different ways.
As for women, we start to worry that we don’t look hot/busty/sexy enough…
“My boyfriend looks at porn every single night. I’ve told him I don’t like it and he promised he would stop, but doesn’t he know I can just look at the history tab on his computer??! I don’t understand this, am I not sexy enough for him? I’ve even lost weight recently, and I still can’t compete.” — Mae S.
“I don’t have the boobs these stripper girls have. My gf is talking about implants, and now I’m wondering if I should get those too…” — Tresha G.
In Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever, I explain why “beauty” is actually only the third most important thing to men and how you can become radiantly attractive to men without having to alter your physique or torture yourself at the gym.
Or we wonder if his watching porn is the same as cheating…
“I’m so tired of his porn that I want to walk away from our relationship. When I try to talk to him about it he accuses me of being insecure, but porn makes me feel like I’m not the one he really wants. He’d rather be with his fantasy women.” — Dara M.
Guys are watching a ton of porn! Should you be worried? Should you give ultimatums, or simply leave? Or is it really a problem in your relationship?
So many questions come in about porn, and it might be helpful to take a look at some of the ways men’s minds work when it comes to looking at naked women online…
A man’s sex drive runs on “rocket fuel” most of the time.
One of my guy friends told me his sex drive made him feel like he was riding a skateboard hitched to a drag racer – one that NEVER stops going.
That’s an image that stuck with me. I can imagine how crazy-out-of-control it must feel. Unless he keeps it in hand (hah), there’s gonna be collateral damage and it ain’t gonna be the drag racer that gets hurt.
The only way he can get the race car to pull off the track and into the pit for a breather…
The one surefire way to burn off some of that constant blast of sexual energy…
…is to ejaculate.
In *addition* to enjoying the hell out of having sex with you, guys masturbate to burn off fuel, when they want to relax, and when they’re restless or bored.
And hey, I’m all about a good, naughty quickie, but I don’t have time to drive over to where he works and give it to him under the desk every day. And while it’s fun once in a while, most women aren’t thrilled about being woken up in the middle of the night to give him a bj so he can get back to sleep. C’mon, there are some things a guy can handle on his own. And porn helps him do it.
The best balance here is when YOU get the best of his sexual energy, and the rest falls to him to take care of. If you want more sexual intimacy than you’re getting, believe me, communicate that and your man will be happy to oblige! If you want less, his ability to masturbate (and even if he’s not watching porn, it’s running in his head) is your friend.
You know things are out of balance when he consistently (and increasingly) chooses porn over real sex, or when he’s spending money you don’t both agree about on his online habit. Both of those are usually an indicator of a bigger problem in the relationship. In Capture His Heart, I teach you how to keep him totally focused on you as his absolute dream woman and how to figure out if he’s actually worthy of you. (LINK)
But if your relationship is actually in a reasonably good place, there’s probably no need to worry about him downloading porn videos to his phone to watch during his smoke break.
Do you have to compete with porn?
Hell, no. Hot, delicious sex (shoot, even routine sex) with a REAL naked woman is a bazillion times better than staring at a cold laptop screen and wishing, wishing…
And he’s a man. He loves to see naked women, including YOU. And you beat them all out because he gets to touch, taste, and thoroughly enjoy you, not just look…! You’re the queen, you always have been, and so long as you’re getting all the sexual attention you want, it’s a pretty good bet that porn will never replace you.
In addition, his watching porn has nothing to do with your breast size. Even if you had sex with him eleven times a day, he’d STILL want to see more naked women. More bouncy breasts, more temptingly rounded asses, more sexy ladies with no clothes on. It has nothing to do with YOUR beautiful curves, it has to do with his appetite.
Think of it like a cooking show. Girl, I can watch a cooking show all day long (and I don’t even have a tv, but I see these shows at the gym and at my friends’ houses). Don’t even get me started on those dudes who do the demos at the State Fair, because I’m mesmerized by them. Does it mean I don’t appreciate when my friends have me over for dinner? No. Does it mean I don’t feel treasured and cared for when my man takes me out to a really nice restaurant? Of course not, that would be silly.
But I am a foodie, and I just love me some cooking shows. Not as much as a great meal… But fortunately, I don’t have to choose. I can enjoy BOTH, and the cooking show will never mind when I turn it off to go enjoy some fresh local seafood with my guy. And I’m never going to turn down a date with a man for an hour with Paula Deen, and I don’t care HOW much butter she uses.
Is porn cheating?
I have one male friend who swears he never looks at porn. He feels that even his sexual fantasies should feature his woman as the (only) star of the show. That feels a bit extreme to me, and you’ll have your own opinion, I’m sure.
My personal position (I see you tryn’a sneak a joke in here) is that watching porn is not cheating so long as YOU are still the center of his real-life sexual universe.
Porn should be no different to him than your cinematic movie crushes (and the cooking show channel) are to you – entertaining, but not something to become a stalker over.
C’mon, Channing Tatum is good to look at (although I’m partial to Matt McConaughey myself), but would you rather spend more time in the movie theater… or snuggled up with a guy who is dying to kiss you all the way from the nape of your neck down to your sexy little instep, with a few slow and delicious stops in between?
That’s what I thought you’d say. Too bad for Channing and Matt.